So, where do I even begin to write about the last year? So much has happened. I guess to really understand the full extent of it, you have to go back a while.

I was a very spunky and happy child. I had a fantastic upbringing. Despites my parents divorce in 1997, my Mum and Dad did an amazing job. My early teens were great too. I’ve always felt like a bit of an outcast but I had my friends and we had fun so that was that. But around 16, things started to change. I lost a lot of my spirit.
As any of my friends at Blagy will tell you, I was so far in the closet, you couldn’t even see me for all the coats, shoes, hats etc that were all at the front (yes, cheesy metaphor I know. But this story would be nothing without them).

I never wanted to be gay. In fact, I was a little scared of it. I spent years denying it and trying to find ways of covering it up. I've always just wanted to fit in with people and I kept trying to fit the mold that school social life makes for you.

I would say, I have known deep down that I was gay since I was about 14 or 15. I’ve always felt different to other people. I never really had someone that I had a click with. I had friends that I loved – and most of them I still do. Only now they understand me a little better. I also had some issues with bullying at school as well. So at the time, it was me against the world.

Denying a big part of who I was did me no good. After years of it, I became very depressed and uncomfortable in my own skin. I didn’t want to be what I was becoming and it scared the shit out of me. I would get up, switch on my autopilot for the day, come home and shut myself away. The only thing I had to relate to was my copy of Tori Amos’ “Little Earthquakes” album which I’m sure is on it’s last legs now.

After so long, I couldn’t cope anymore. I got to the point where I didn’t want to get out of bed on a morning. Sometimes I didn’t bother. That got me kicked out of sixth form. I tried college for a while afterwards. I thought a new environment might do me some good. But no. I still had this huge cloud hanging over my head. It’s like when you’re walking home at night in the dark and you think someone is following you. You keep looking over your shoulder all the time just to check.

That same feeling of not wanting to get up everyday came back very quickly and I found myself leaving college. Between everything that was going through my head and college work, I felt so trapped – almost like I couldn’t breathe.

Things went from bad to worse as my days were spent in the house doing nothing. I had a part time job at the time that was the only thing that really kept me going. I was in tears every night and I started finding ways of trying to make the pain go away – stupid ways. Ways that almost finished me off. Something hit me that Christmas when I was sat with my family. This had to change. It had to stop. I had to come out.

The first person I told was my very best friend. She is like a sister to me and always has been. I knew I could trust her. Once she knew, that gave me the support I needed to begin to tell other friends. I told a few more people shortly after.

I only knew one gay person (He knows who he is. I couldn’t have done this without him and I certainly wouldn’t be writing about it). He told me about Blagy and how it could be some well-needed support and a great social opportunity for me. At first, I was very reluctant. I was still emotionally drained and had no confidence at all.

After a few weeks of going, I felt so much better in myself. I finally felt like I had people that I could fit in with and that I could talk to. After that, it was easy going. With the support of my new friends, I told my Mum (who told my Dad and my brothers) and she was fantastic, as was the rest of my family. I knew there was no going back now – that this was it.

A year later, I feel fantastic. My life has never been better. I have a great job now that has a lot of prospects in it. I have great friends who I love to bits (guys, I love you sooo much! I wouldn’t have my life without you all in it) and we have so much fun. But mostly, I feel like for the first time, I can be who I am. I am proud of myself and how far I have come. The days of sitting on my bedroom floor listening to Tori Amos in tears have passed. I am happy with everything in my life and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Thank you to Tori Amos for the strength your music gave me. Thank you to my Mum and Dad for being the best parents a young puff could ask for. But mostly, thank you to all my friends at Blagy who have been there with me every single step of the way; I couldn’t have done it without you and I will never look back. My name is Chris, I’m 18, I’m from Bradford and I am gay.

But what if Im a mermaid
In these jeans of his with her name still on it
Hey but I dont care cause sometimes, I said sometimes
I hear my voice and its been here
Silent all these years…..
I’ve been here
Silent all these years…..
- Tori Amos, ‘Silent All These Years’, 1992